Who's That Naked Guy?

Surviving The Quintessential Fraternity Prank

My fraternity had a long-standing tradition at the end of each academic year called the "Junior/Senior Wars." It was basically a prank war between the graduating seniors and underclassmen. It all revolved around "Senior Breakfast," a gin & juice breakfast party that the junior members were required by tradition to hold in honor of the graduating seniors. Until such time as the underclassmen fulfilled their responsibility, seniors would pull pranks on them, and there would be retaliation. It all built up in a complex and suspenseful period of brinkmanship until the underclassmen finally relented and held the event.

Different years saw different levels in the escalation of hostilities depending primarily on how cocky the seniors were that year. I was graduating with a number of particularly cocky members, so the pranks were absolutely raging. My strategy was to keep a low profile and basically stay out of it. That kept me out of the crosshairs of the underclassmen for the most part, but I was still at risk.

On St. Patrick's day we were lucky to have gorgeous weather. In that part of the world it was always a crap shoot. You can have a cold, driving snow, or you can have sunshine and 70 degrees. That year it was a beautiful warm sunny day. I was with a number of my brothers at a porch party one of the sororities was holding. We were all drinking keg beer and enjoying the nice day.

Everything was pleasant and cordial, but all of a sudden it dawned on me that I was the only senior member there. That was a perilous situation. Without other seniors there to protect me, I was entirely at the mercy of all the underclassmen who were present. There was no telling what they might do to me. Fortunately for me none of them had yet noticed.

Adrenaline was immediately coursing through my veins, but I kept my cool. I knew that any sudden movements would startle them, perhaps into recognition. I was already leaning on the porch railing. All I had to do was casually turn as if to enjoy the weather, and then abruptly leap to freedom and run for my very life. Before I even set my beer down, however, one of them suddenly realized the situation. "Hey, Toaph's a SENIOR!," he yelled. "Grab him!!!"

I was immediately pounced upon. A big guy named Lurch grabbed my arms from behind. They weren't really sure what to do with me, but for the time being they held me captive. Eventually they sent Pud to go get his car. Ironically it had been the subject of a senior prank earlier that semester when someone plugged his horn wire into his break light switch so every time he touched the brakes the horn blasted.

As we all waited for Pud to come back with the car, I had to stew on what they might dream up for me. These things were all in fun, but fraternity pranks could get pretty extreme. And with the degree to which my fellow seniors had been stirring things up, I knew that the stakes were high.

I was mostly being tormented by an especially obnoxious guy named Gomer. As Lurch held my arms from behind, Gomer was in my face giving me shit and foreshadowing my upcoming doom. I sized him up, and noted that he was holding a full beer leisurely at chest height. I just happened to be taking Tai Kwan Do that semester to complete my phys. ed. requirement. I wasn't great at it, but I had learned some moves. I focused keenly on that beer under Gomer's face, and with my arms still pinned behind my back I pulled off a reverse crescent kick prettier than anything I'd ever done in class. I hit the target dead on and splashed that full cup of beer all over Gomer's face and head. It was my Karate Kid moment. It probably made things worse for me, but I couldn't resist, and I executed it perfectly.

Before Gomer could think of anything to do about it, Pud finally came by with the car. I wasn't fighting Lurch, but neither was I going to let them walk me away. I just went limp, so they had to literally pick me up and carry me out in front of the entire party. They tossed me in the back seat, but I landed on the floor, and everyone just piled in on top of me. Someone stepped right on my face and their dirty boot wound up in my mouth. I can still taste the sand and rock salt.

They considered what to do with me as Pud sped off. Tide, a cute but hard nosed ROTC guy, said, "Let's strip him to his skivvies and drop him off at Phi K." That was our sister sorority, and their house was a ways up the street. As the guys started pulling my clothes off I began to resist, but it was of little use. My shoes and socks were the first to go. Next they had my pants undone. I tried bending my knees so they couldn't pull them off, but they were overpowering me. Tide was saying, "Nope. Nope, Toaph, you're not going to be able to stop us. You might as well give in." I kept struggling, but they eventually had my pants and shirt off. There I was in the back seat of a car in a pile of college boys with nothing but a thin layer of cotton between my naked body and the world.

I normally wore tighty whities but on that day I was wearing sexy underwear. I had found a pair of Speedo brand briefs somewhere in the fraternity house and spirited them off for my own use. I had never seen Speedo underwear before or since. They were navy blue with no fly in the front. They fit me perfectly, and I really loved them. I had worn them on this St. Patrick's day to make the day special. And now they were out there for everyone to see.

We arrived at the sorority house and they pulled me out of the car. They held my pale body prone on extended arms overhead as they marched up to the front door. After a little pounding they realized that all the girls were out partying and the house was locked up tight.

"What should we do now?" one of them asked. For a moment I thought they might just give up and let me go, but I was not to be that lucky. One of them said, "Let's drop him off at Omega NAKED!" Omega was another sorority. Their house was across the street and up the block. The guys yanked off my underwear and held me aloft again as they paraded me openly, bare ass naked, right up the middle of the street in broad daylight. I was face-up by the way, and all my goodies were out there for the world to see. At this point my biggest fear was that I might get a boner. Being naked, even in private, was very arousing to me. Being out in the open like this threatened to reveal my latent exhibitionistic nature.

When they finally got to the other side of the street they had to traverse a snow bank. It may have been a warm day, but the remains of a long, cold winter still remained. Of course in their drunken stupor and a bit fatigued from carrying me that whole way, they began to stumble. They were losing their grip on me, and I could tell they would wind up dropping my naked body right onto the snow. Fortunately Tide, the honorable soldier, sacrificed his clothed body so that my bare skin would be spared. He fell backwards onto the snow bank and pulled me down on top of him. It was a touching moment that even while perpetrating a ruthless prank on me he was still concerned for my wellbeing. And lying naked on top of a sexy army boy didn't do much to quell the erection I was still trying to suppress.

They got me back up off Tide and took me up on the front porch. I don't know if I was wishing the door would be locked or unlocked. They tried it and it swung open. They burst inside loudly announcing our arrival. "Psi Phi nude-o-gram! Here's your naked guy! Come 'n' get him! Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!" The few girls who were in the house scurried like mice. The guys dropped my bare ass on the middle of the dining room table and walked back out laughing and hollering. They got in the car and sped off.

I sat there for a moment. Things were peaceful. All the girls were as far from me as they could get. I kind of thought, "Okay, what now?" I always wondered that. In the stories I'd heard about someone being handcuffed to the flagpole naked or whatever, there was never any mention of what happened after they were dropped off, or how they were able to get someone to eventually come to their rescue. Here I was, stark naked and sitting on a table in a sorority house, not knowing what would happen next. Part of me wanted to just walk naked all the way back to my own house, but I didn't want to get arrested or anything. Cops were everywhere in our college town that St. Patrick's day on the lookout for misbehavior. Plus I knew that walking openly naked like that would absolutely give me a boner.

After a minute or two just sitting there I wound up calling for help. I shouted out, "Could someone at least toss me a towel or something?" Soon a girl walked quickly past me, throwing a towel at me, looking the other way as she darted in and out of the room. After I had it wrapped around my waist I was able to find her. She graciously presented me with some options of what I could borrow to wear home. I wound up with a pair of her silk running shorts with lavender and blue stripes, and one of her monster boyfriend's thermal undershirts. The shorts were a little loose on me, but the shirt positively fell off my slim frame. She offered me a pair of flip flops, but I decided to brave it and go barefoot. I was out the door and scurrying home before I had time to think about how ridiculous I looked.

As soon as I was on my way I realized that I should have taken the flip flops. There were still patches of snow and ice-cold puddles everywhere. I did my best to dodge them, but my feet got so cold they hurt. If anything it served to take my mind off my embarrassment scampering along in girly silk shorts and a shirt that was ten sizes too big for me. I seem to remember getting a cat-call or two on the long walk back to my house, but I made it there without major incident.

When I walked in the door and my fellow seniors discovered what had happened to me, they got in a shouting match with the underclassmen who had perpetrated it. I just walked past the drama and jumped into a hot shower. Finally I could let myself get a boner as I reflected on the misadventure. I was supposed to be outraged at having been subjected to such undignified treatment, but now that I was home safe and sound I secretly relished it. Life is about having experiences, and fraternity life is about those experiences being as extreme as can be. This was one in a million. I knew I would be telling the story for years to come.

My only regret was that the Speedo underwear were lost. They were last reported seen flapping in the wind atop Gomer's head as he leaned out of Pud's car speeding past the porch party from which I had been abducted. I would probably still have them to this day, but unfortunately they were never seen again.

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